This article is meant to explain the essential concepts behind online dating using mathematical, scientific and social examples. Online dating sites utilize complex algorithms that perform automated reasoning tasks to discover compatibility between prospective partners. This common use of computers and technology to discover things that are compatible with you and your lifestyle should not be that foreign to most of us. Similar data driven algorithms are used by Amazon, Apple, Facebook, Google and Netflix to match you with compatible products, services, friends, social causes, books, music and movies. 

In the last 30 years, computers and especially smartphones have impacted most areas of our lives, including the selection of a partner (romantic or business). Online dating has been transformed through innovative dating websites and apps that have provided successful match-making services to millions of people. Along the way, the negative perception associated with online dating has been replaced with a positive and optimistic method of finding a compatible relationship match. 

HOW DOES IT WORK

The data analytics and algorithm features of online dating services offer a distinct digital advantage over traditional relationship-seeking methods. This translates into a higher number of prospective dating partners than would be available from traditional dating sources (referrals from friends, co-workers, neighbors, random acquaintances, arranged marriages, etc). The most successful online dating companies were founded by mathematicians who created algorithms and analytics to increase the probability of conversion through a process-oriented, go-through-the-numbers methodology that creates a select group of candidates with more compatible traits and values than would be found using conventional dating processes. However, according to recent social psychologists, algorithms created by these math geniuses, are clueless about who we find romantically desirable, so they need human assistance to provide a compatible match. That’s where you enter the picture.

CREATE A PERSONAL PROFILE

The goal in constructing your online dating profile is to elicit an emotional response through a carefully communicated first impression. This includes current photos, physical attributes (age, height, hair and eye color, body type, ethnicity), personality traits, personal info and values (marital status, religion, political views, astrological sign, education, languages, children, work/industry, income range) and personal preferences (geographical range, smoking, drinking, exercise, travel and leisure). This is a personal resumé detailing who you are and the type of person you are looking for.  If you have a LinkedIn, FaceBook or Twitter account then you know the drill. 

Creating a successful profile is a mixture of math and mystery. Learn from data, increase the analytics and scientifically make yourself specifically more appealing. The most successful online profiles have a content ratio of 70% about themselves and 30% of who they are looking for in a partner. User names in the front half of the alphabet are more successful than ones from the last half. Men are attracted to screen names that include physical descriptions (brown-eyed girl, blonde and beautiful, etc.) and women are interested in character traits (well-traveled guy, strong and sensitive, etc.) 

In creating your profile, you need to be clear not flirtatious. Real life dating is flirtatious, but online dating is frank and purposeful. Depending on the type of relationship you are interested will determine the type of images and sentences you use. If you are looking for love, you should be very deliberate with the pictures you choose and the things you talk about. Your photos should include you with your friends, lifestyle shots, travel shots and images of you that aren’t too explicit, yet show you in good shape and having fun. You need to convey your essence clearly and deliberately without being egocentric.

The algorithms that calculate the best match don’t analyze the veracity of the data, so it is extremely important to be completely honest in your profile. All of your information must be as accurate and up to date as possible to ensure that a potential match will be compatible and not surprised! One of the biggest criticisms about online dating is people lying about their age and posting out of data photos. 

CHOOSE A SITE

The second step is to choose one or several dating sites to upload your profile. Some sites are very simple and others more complex. The top paid dating sites are Match, eHarmony, Elite Singles, The League, OKCupid, OurTime and zoosk. The top free sites are Bumble, Grindr, Hinge, Meetup, OK Cupid, Plenty of Fish and Tinder.

MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE

The third step is to wait for the “message(s) in a bottle” to wash up in your inbox after you have posted your profile and begin the exciting process of setting up a date. You’ve followed the steps and you are now confronted with hundreds of profiles to sift through, and it’s a bit overwhelming. How do you begin to choose? How many are available? How many are real? This may be a good time to enlist the assistance of a co-pilot; a friend or relative that can help you realistically choose the most compatible matches and follow up after the dating process begins. 

RESEARCH

Once you have put together a list of compatible matches, it’s time to do some research. Study their profiles and compare it to their Facebook, Instagram and LinkedIn profiles to make sure they are legitimate. If you were hiring someone to work at your company, you wouldn’t just look at one resume, so use the same logic with your online dating search and create a list of potential candidates and start the screening process.

SEND A MESSAGE

Your message needs to grab their attention, pique their curiosity and make them want to know more about you. Ask a question that leads with a conversation topic that is easy to respond to. This is where your research pays off. It should be though-provoking, fun and playful so that it stands out from all the other messages filling up their inbox. And above all, keep it brief and use proper grammar and correct spelling. If they don’t respond right away, don’t appear desperate for a response. Wait 3-4 days and send a light-hearted follow up message. If there’s still no response, move on. There’s several others that are waiting to meet you.

SETUP THE MEETING

Remember, the person you have contacted is not online to find a pen pal, so if you wait too long to ask them out, they’ll move on. Use the Rule of Connectivity, which states: “The more we feel connected to, part of, liked by, or attracted to someone, the more persuasive they become.” Recognize when they’re ready to meet you (longer messages, emojis, asking you questions) and pay attention to the cues and clues.

After you have messaged them 2-3 times (maybe more if you’re not sure), it’s time to ask them out, but you have to do it the right way. Try to avoid emotionally charged, high investment words like “date”. Use more casual words like “get together” or “meet up”. Suggesting that you meet for coffee or drinks sounds better than meeting only for drinks. Once they’ve agreed to meet you, pick a time and date, give them your phone number and make sure to be on time for your meeting.

FIRST DATE

A first date allows you to slowly reveal yourself to another person, so take your time, be gentle, kind and patient, and ask interesting questions that will help them open up. “Do you like to travel? Where do you feel most relaxed? What’s something about you that would surprise me?” are all great avenues for discussion and discovery. If the date has gone well, let them know and ask them if you can call them, or if it feels comfortable, ask them out again.

Although online dating has several advantages over traditional matchmaking processes, there’s no substitute for an in person, face-to-face meeting where communication and connection can happen far more efficiently. In the movie “Hitch” the character played by Will Smith advises his client with these statistics: 60% of all human communication is non-verbal, body language. 30% is your tone, so that means that 90% of what you are saying isn’t coming out of your mouth.

BACK TO BASICS

Now that you’ve accomplished the online basics, it’s time to get back to the traditional method of dating. There’s plenty of articles and books by qualified psychologists and dating experts to help you with this. University of Utah psychologist Samantha Joel offers this advice to people looking for love: “A big part of finding the right partner is being the right partner. In other words, be trustworthy, patient, kind, calm and humble. Then just keep showing up. Eventually, the right person will be there.”

DATING STATISTICS

•60 million people in the U.S. use online dating ($2 billion industry)

•More men (52.4%) use online dating than women ª47.6%)

•44% of those who tried online dating said that it led to a serious long-term relationship

•53% of all singles have created a dating profile

•40% have dated someone online compared to 25% that met a first date through a friend

•One third of all marriages in the U.S. were started because of a match via the internet

•Tinder users average 3-5 seconds reviewing a profile before swiping left (no) or right (yes)

•53% of people lie (age, height/weight, job/income) on their online dating profile

•22% of online daters ask friends to help create their profile (30% women, 16% men)

•48% of online relationships end through email or text

•50% of the U.S. population consists of single adults